Friday, January 3, 2014

Being Pregnant

When I was young I never imagined myself married or with children, I never played pretend with my dolls because I didn't like dolls. Actually I was terrified of them because someone thought it was appropriate to let a young child (me) watch a movie about a demon doll and to this day when I see a doll I don't think happy thoughts. When I was young I would read books about imaginary worlds and would watch TV shows about superheros, I lived in my created worlds to deal with a traumatic childhood, it was my coping mechanism and for the most part it worked. I think my imagination kept me away from drugs and alcohol , I also think that the Grace of God kept me safe from things and people that I would not be able to defend myself from. All that to say I didn't have my life mapped out around getting married or having children. When I did eventually meet the man I would marry we didn't know if we would have kids together. Well in October of 2011 my husband told one of his friends that he thinks he is ready to have more kids but he was unsure how to tell me, fast forward 2 months and we are driving home from church and Tim just blurts it out. He tells me that while our pastor was preaching the Christmas story he felt a nudge in his heart to tell me as soon as possible. I was FREAKED OUT. A baby. In me. Pregnant. I would have to be a mom, I don't know how to be a mom. My thoughts went crazy, I struggled to agree that this was the right thing for us, part of me wanted it and the other part was terrified. Early in 2012 we became pregnant. Tim and I were both excited, so much so that he told all of his buddies, I am more reserved when sharing big news so I just kept it in my close circle. Well on March 2nd we miscarried and I was kind of a mess. I didn't realize it would hit me so hard to be unpregnant especially when I was scared of being pregnant. It was hard to tell people the news because I felt like I had to console them and I really didn't want to. After I miscarried I started researching it and found out that it is very common, so much so that some women miscarry and don't even know it. Two months later we were pregnant again but this time I did not tell anyone, not even my husband until I felt I was out of the danger zone of miscarrying. My pregnancy was great. I had no weird cravings, no crazy mood swings, no feet swellings, no high blood pressure and I worked almost all the way until the end of my pregnancy much to the dismay of everyone around me but I hate sitting still and get bored quickly if I don't have a task at hand. My baby was due January 29th and I believe that is where part of her birth story should begin (even though she decided to stay in a lot longer) next post. Leaha

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love comments just like I love chocolate, so if you can give me one its like giving me the other